Music Jokes
(Last update: 19/08/2007)
If you know a music joke that isn't here, please send it to me by email.
Nº of Jokes: 198
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower
A. Vibrato!
Q: What did the drummer get on his algebra test?
A: Drool.Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
A: They both **** up bowings.Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
DISTILLED FIFTH: What the conductor uses backstage...
Semiconductors are part-time musicians.Q: How can a horn player play trombone?
A: Just take the hand from the bell and play without taste. (Helder Vales, Horn Player)
My father used to say: - My son, you can be a musician, but you must have a job.
A new viola player comes to the Orchestra and the first thing he made was opening an diary. Many years passed, and he always opened the diary before to play. Till one day, after 40 years in the orchestra during the rehearsal , he had an heart break. Everyone run to him, and before trying to help him, they took the diary to see what were there so important .
It was:
Bow in the right hand and viola on the left hand.
Q: Why the people get scared when they se a violin player entering on a bank?
Because they think there's a machinegun inside the box, ready to be used.
Q: And why the people get scared when they se a viola player entering on a bank?
Because they think inside his box there's a viola, ready to be played.
What's the difference between the C Clef and Greek?
Actually, some conductors can read Greek.
What's the best way to make a soprano's eyes to shine?
You must point one light at one of her ears.
When can we know that a wagnerian soprano is death?
When the horses calm down.
On the last summer on of our friends, resolved to start talking with on person that was on his side: "I know a nice viola joke" - says the other: - "I would like to listen, but first of all, I think you should know I'm a viola player." - he answered: - "Ok, no problem: I will tell you the joke very slowly." (Marta Costa, Violinist, Braga)
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a waching machine? A: On the waching machine, what goes inside dirty, became clean. And on the viola... that goes clean, becomes dirty... (Contribution of Luis Granjo, Trumpetist, Porto)
Q: Do you know why does J.S.Bach had so many children? A: Is that...he couldn't stop his organ... (Contribution of Inês Mesquita, Pianist, Coimbra)
Someone listened a strange noise coming from Beethoven's grave. They opened his grave and they discovered why all that noise... Beethoven was decomposing... (Contribution of Inês Mesquita, Pianist, Coimbra)
One day, someone asked to a viola player what was the "F" sub-dominant. The viola player thinked for a while and said: - "But the "F" isn't already sub-dominant?" (Contribution of Inês Mesquita, Pianist, Coimbra)
Q: How many viola players are needed to change lamp? A:You will need 9: One must be over a table and pick a lamp, 4 must turn around the table, and more 4 to turn around the table in the opposite way, to avoid the violist who's picking the lamp gets dizzy." (Contribution of Stanislav, Pianist)
Q: What's the diference between a smashed viola and a death cat on the road? A: Tire marks, before the car.
The conductor stops the rehearsal and says: - Some one is playing always wrong on this passage. Says the Bassoon player: - Is the asshole flute player. The flute player got up and said: - Who called me asshole?. Says the horn player: - Who called flute player to that asshole?
Glissando - Name from a musical technique adopted by string players for difficult passages.
Risoluto - Tells the musicians that they should keep their own tempo, and doesn't matter what the conductor says.
Crescendo - Musical sign that reminds the musician than he have been playing to loud.
Transposition - Changing on a piece pitch, that was to low for the basses as now is to high for the sopranos..
Cadence - When every body thinks that you will stop, but o don't....
Diatonic - low calories Schweppes.
A rich man arrived late to a concert, complaining with his wife for the delay. asked to the policeman - What they are playing? - It's the Mahler's 4th symphony - answered the policeman. - See...I've told you... - says the rich man to his wife - because of you, we have already missed 3..
One man goes to a shop to buy a trained parrot. The sells man showed him 3 parrots and started to describe them: this cost 10 dollars and the can sing all Schubert Lieder. That one costes 60 dollars and he can sin all the D. Giovanni parts. The third on costes 300 dollars... - And what does he? - asked the man. - That I know...nothing - answered the sells man - but the others call him conductor.
On a Bar, one lady asked to the pianist: - "Congratulations, you play the piano very well. Excuse-me... do you play by the score or by your own ear?" answered the pianist: - "No, madame, I really play for need." (Contribution of Rodrigo Reis, Violinist, Vilarandelo - Portugal)
P: What does a person gives to his son if he can't play any instrument? R: She gives him two sticks and calls him percussionist. (Contribution of Rodrigo Reis, Violinist, Vilarandelo - Portugal)
P: And if he his not a good percussionist? R: She gives him just one stick and calls him a conductor. (Contribution of Rodrigo Reis, Violinist, Vilarandelo - Portugal)
P: What's the difference between an old car and a trombone ensemble? R: Is that even a very good mechanic can't tune a trombone ensemble. (Contribution of Rodrigo Reis, Violinist, Vilarandelo - Portugal)
Once a man said, referring to a dublebass they were taking of the van: - "I wana know who will put than under his chin." - when he saw a woman playing it during the concert he said: - "I knew it only a woman could play-it!" (Contribution of Edmundo Pires, Violinist, Évora - Portugal)
Once a trombone player studied so much than he got a "trombose". (Contribution of Luis Granjo, Trumpetist, Porto - Portugal)
Once there was an organist that played so much, that he got an orgasm. (Contribution of Luis Granjo, Trumpetist, Porto - Portugal)
Q: If a piano player sit on a piano, how many octaves can he play? A: All, except the middle one... (Contribution of Stanislav, Pianist)
Some one asked to a violin player: "Can you play after drinking 1 bottle of vodka?" - he answered "Yes!" - they answered him again: - "And if you drink 2 bottles?" - he answered: - "No, but I still can playing viola!" - they asked him once more: - "And after drinking 3 bottles of vodka?" - he says: - "After drinking 3 bottles of vodka I can only Conduct." (Contribution of Stanislav, Pianist)
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and an airplane terrorist? A: There's always the possibility to get a deal whit the airplane terrorist . (Contribution of Sara Amorim, Oboist, Porto (Oporto) - PORTUGAL)
Somewhere on a newspaper's classified ..."Viola for selling, in good condition (almost new), never played beyond the 3rd position ." (Contribution of Luís Carvalhoso, Cello Player, Porto (Oporto) - PORTUGAL)
Q: Why does conductor's batons have cork parts? A: To avoid going down on the water. (Contribution of Raquel Moreira Bastos, Viola player, Aveiro - PORTUGAL)
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a cello player? A: Both earn their live, with on open legs! (Contribution of Raquel Moreira Bastos, Viola Player, Aveiro - PORTUGAL)
One day, during an Orchestra Torné, the conductor got ill... they had scheduled concerts, but there were no conductor...Then, the 1st Viola player said that there was no problem, he would like to conduct the orchestra. It's hard to believe but: THE CONCERT WAS A SUCCESS! After the titular conductor get better, the 1st viola player come back to his place on the orchestra. When he sit down, another viola player asked him: - "So, where were you, all this time? (Contribution of Raquel Moreira Bastos, Viola Player, Aveiro - PORTUGAL)
Q: What's similar between a violinist finger and a flashlight? A: They never fall on the same place! (Contribution of Jorge and Francisco, Horn Players, Coimbra - PORTUGAL)
An initial horn student was playing intensively just the notes: C-D-C-D-C-D... Comes this teacher and asks: - "Are you joking? Hey little fellow, you are destroying your embouchure!!!" - the student answers: - "No, professor, I'm practicing vibratto ." (Contribution of Jorge and Francisco, Horn Players, Coimbra - PORTUGAL)
During an Orchestral Rehearsal the Bass players started discussing. Asks the conductor: - "What's the matter Basses?" - answers one of them: - "E detuned me one string!" - the conductor said: - "And....? Tune-it!" - Said the bass player: - "The only problem is that he didn't told me witch was!" (Contribution of Claudia Rodet, Bass Player, Porto (Oporto) - PORTUGAL)
Q: What do you need to write on the score, so that a viola player plays vibratto? A: "Solo". (Contribution of Claudia Rodet, Bass Player, Porto (Oporto) - PORTUGAL)
Q: Why does gorillas can't play trumpet? A: It seems that gorillas are to sensitive. (Contribution of Ricardo Vilares, Violinist, Mirandela & Rodrigo Reis, Violinist, Vilarandelo - PORTUGAL)
Q: Why does guitarists put a baton over the dash board on the their car? A: So that they can put their cars on the parked on handicapped parks.
A: What says the first violinist, after the conductor screams: "Bratsche!!!"? A: "Good Bless You!"
One day one man come to a bar and one of them said: - "I checked my Q.I. and it was 175." - tells other man on the same table: "That's funny, mine's to. What do you do for living?" - Says the other: - "I'm a Nuclear Physicist". On another table nearby two Cardiologists compared surprised their Q.I.'s: booth of 160. On another table in the same place says other man: - "I have 52 for Q.I!" - Says another with enthusiasm: "So do I! What kind of drumsticks do you use?"
There are two men seated on the road: one of them is a musician and the other doesn't have any money too....
A little boy complained to a friend: - "My mom doesn't let me watch television any more ..." - Asks the other: - "Why not?" - Answers the little boy: - "she says that there's to much sax and violin on TV".
Q: What's the musical instrument that is usually out of tune: the violin, the viola, the timpani or the saxophone? A: I can even think...with the headache you just made-me .
Q: Why does musicians have to be awake before 17:30? A: They have to be awake, because, most of the shops close at 18:00.
The conductor rise this arms and start conducting the orchestra. After some seconds he stooped and said to the orchestra: - "Ok, it wasn't bad, but let us go again from bar number 3" - Says the first violist: - "Excuse-me, but we don't have measured numbers!"
Q: Why do you say "Bratsche" in German, for Viola? A: Because is the sound it makes when you sit on it.
A trumpet player enters on a shop and says “Excuse-me I want a Ua-Ua mute and a small bottle of oil!” says the employer “Pardon?” Repeats the trumpet player: “Excuse-me I want a Ua-Ua mute and a small bottle of oil!” – the employer thinks for a little while and says “You are a trumpet player, aren't you?” –“Yes! How did you figure out?” - asks the trumpet player. “I'm sorry to tell you, but this is a Butcher's!”
Says the little John to his mother “Momy, when I grow up, I wana be a trombone player!” - his mother said: “But Johnny, why do you want to be a trombone player, if you can be both?!”
A trombonist was flirting, apparently well succeeded...when, suddenly, she asks: "So, tell-me...what do you do for living?" - answers the trombonist - "I'm a musician!" - The girl said: "Uau!!!" - interrupt the trombonist "...I'm a trombone player"- Says the girl, quickly :"But...You are a Trombonist..., you lied to me: I thought you were a musician!"
It, seems impossible...I can't understand why those famous trumpet entrances on the Big Pauses...
Q: When can you say a percussionist is knocking at your door? A: If there is, there will be an accelerando on it!”
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a prostitute? : A: The difference is that, the prostitute knows every position.
Q: What's similar, between a conductor and a condom? A: With them is safer, but without them is better...
Q: What's harder than putting an oboist in a box? A: Harder than that, just, putting an oboist in two boxes.
Some time after W.A.Mozart death, Sallieri (presumable author of the crime), goes to his victim's house, knocks the door, and answers to Mozart's wife: "Is Herr Mozarrrt at home?" - she answered: "I'm sorry to tell you, but he is no longer whit us...". - One day later, he comes back and asks the same- she said: "I'm sorry to tell you, but Mozart left this house..." - One hour later he came again asking the same. - She answered intensively- "Herr Mozarrrt IS DEATH!!!" - Five minutes later, he came again with the same question - She, already mad said: "I've already told you Herr Mozarrrrt is DEATH, WAS GONE, IS UNDER THE EARTH..." - interrupts Sallieri: "You cant imagine, the pleasure, you gave me, just on hearing that..."
Q: How do you tune two flautists? A: You kill one of them!
Tell one girl to another: "Now I have a new boyfriend: A trumpet player! He has strong lips, you cant even imagine the pleasure on kissing him..."- interrupts the other: "That's nothing! Now I have also a new boyfriend: It's a French Horn player!!! He has, his lips are softlyer than silk but...I can't figure out, why he puts his hand on my ass when he kisses me!!!"
Q: Why blond girls can not play the flute? A: If they tried to play it...they wont know where to blow up!
Q: What's the better way to protect a violin, from being stolen? A: You just have to put it on a Viola case.
One day a famous cello player dies, he arrives to the heaven's gate and asks to St. Peter. "Hey, Peter, may I come in?" - St. Peter asked him: - "What did you done on earth?" - he said: - "I was a famous musician..." - said St. Peter - "Ya, but musicians can't enter on the heaven!". The cello player goes away very sad, when, suddenly, he listen a strange version from the 2nd Bach's Suite. He came to the evens gate, again, and said to St. Peter: - "So, you said me, musicians were note aloud to enter on the heaven...it seems someone or something is there, trying to play one of the Bach's suites..." Said St. Peter. "Ahh, but we don't have here musicians..." -asked the cellist: - "Oh, so...what was that?." - St. Peter goes to see it came and said: - "But that's not a musician, that's a viola player!"
One day a conductor was so mad with the second violins, that he shifted his baton on one of them. For that, he was accused of involuntary homicide, and condemned to death by electrocution. On the electrocution's day, they take him to the death corridor and putted him on the electrical chair. As last which, he asked them to eat a banana. When he finally eaten it, they pushed the button, but nothing happened...they scheduled a new execution for the next day, in order to check the equipment. On the next day, happened the same...On the third day, when he asked for a banana, the guard refuse to gave it. They puss the button, but nothing happened...the conductor starts laughing..."What's so funny?" - asked one of the guards. Said the conductor: - "You'll never electrocute me!" - "Why not?" - Asked another guard. Answers the conductor: - "Because I'm a bad conductor!"
One day a famous musician goes dies and goes to the heaven. When he arrives asked St. Peter, if was there any orchestra. He answered: - "Yes, we have here the most wonderful orchestra, and there's also a reserved place for you on it! They will have a rehearsal soon, let's go there...". When they arrived, the musician, was marveled: all the grates were there warming up... Paganini was the concertmaster, Pablo Casals was the first cellist. And Lizst were there, preparing one of his concertos. Suddenly, the conductor came: The musicians didn't recognize him...they were expecting one of the grates...so, the musician, asked to St. Peter: - "Who's the conductor?" - St. Peter said: - "Oh, that's God Himself. He thinks he's Von Karajan."
Q: How many Bass players are needed to change a lamp? A: None! A pianist cant do it, just with his left hand!
Did you heard about the percussionist that locked a Bass player on this car? The fireman needed about four hours to take him out!
Q: Why does the chicken passed the street? A: To avoid the Fagot's Recital.
Q: Why does a fagot is better than an oboe? A: Is that, a fagot burns longer than an oboe!
Q: What can you do with a burning oboe? A: You can put fagot on fire.
Q: What's the difference between a fagot and a coffin? A: is that, usually, on the coffin, the body is inside.
Q: What you've got to do, in order to a cellist play fortissimo? A: You write on the score: "pp, expressivo".
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet player and an onion? A: The difference is than, no one cries when you slice a clarinetist.
Q: How can you make a clarinetist to play forte? A: You cant!
A: Why does orchestras doesn't write "scordatura" on the viola parts? A: The instrument is already out of tune; Making that would only confuse more the instrumentalists.
Q: There are two guys on a curve when...a taxi stops. One of them has a pair of drumsticks and the other has a guitar. Which of them is a professional musician? A: The taxi driver.
Two musicians were condoned to death sentence. As usual, they let them to choose a last which. One of them said he would like to listen the Schubert's "Incomplete Symphony" one last time. The other said he would like to be executed, before they concede the last which to the other.
Q: What's similar, between a conductor after concert, and an referee after a soccer mach? A: They booth don't worth anything whit-out a back keeper...
A recent graduated doctor goes to a morgue. When he undercover one of the bodies, he discovers a piece of cork on his ass. After thinking a little bit on what he just saw, he decides to take of the cork. Suddenly, he listened a sound, like a flute, he puts the cork on its place, and the sound stops. He went to the Director's office... - "That's weird?" - "Yes, don't you think?" - says the doctor. "Well" - says the director - "any asshole can play the flute..."
Q: What's the difference between an oboist and a SCUD missile? A: The difference is that, in fact, an oboist can actually kill you,!
Q: How can you make an oboist to play an A flat? A: Simple, you just have to take off his tuner's batteries.
A conductor calls a doctor to know what to do if the oboist broke his reed. Says the doctor: - "Have you ever tried a muted trumpet instead?"
Q: What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and the movie "Star Trek"? A: The difference is that "Star Trek" can actually append, one day...
Q: Why do the basson (fagot) players never get AIDS? A: Even the virus have their proud.
Q: When can you say, there's a flute player at your door ? A: When the door bell is out of tune.
Is very rare to see a flute player breathing, because they have an air support in their heads...
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch for a piccolo? A: If you trough it into a toilet, and don't touch the borders.
Q: What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog's whistle? A: Dog whistles usually are played by men to get attention of the dogs, if you have good ear you can listen a dig whistle, tuning, when you march in a band a dog whistle can be dangerous, Dog whistles only irritate some species, the price, the worth, People with Dog whistles usually know how to play it and you can't tune a piccolo!
Q: Is there any difference between a clarinet and a cat near the fire? A: There is, but only if the cat is in good health...
Q: How many clarinetists are needed to change a lamp? A: only one, but he'll have to try the an entire before choose the best one...
Q: What's the difference between the use on a clarinet and a saxophone in a hospital? A: The difference is that saxophones are user to get babies into sleep, and clarinets are used to wake up coma patients.
Q: What's the difference between the 1st and the 2nd clarinetist? A: Half ton.
Q: And between the 2nf and the 3rd? A: One minute and a half.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinetist and a mouse? A: The difference is that you can't heard a mouse making noise on a band.
A Soprano, was doing sex with his saxophonist lover, without a condom, and said to him: - "Hunny, I think is better you take out...", "Why?" - says the saxophonist - "Am I sharp?".
Q: Why saxophonists march in bands, when they play? A: To go away from the sound. They march, because is more difficult to aim a moving target.
One day, a violinist from the Rio got in love for a girl named Clio. When he was taking of his pans she said: - "Non Andante, Allegro con Brio."
Says a violin player playing a solo passage: - "Damm, I've got so much technic, that my fingers get confused!"
Q: Why violists use a chin rest when they play? A: Because the haven't got valves to take off the water.
Q: Why does violas are bigger than violins? A: They are not. It's an optical illusion, the violinists head is bigger.
One violinist was called to the judge. Ask the judge: - "Oh, Oh, didn't I already saw you once?". Answers the violinist hopefully: - "Yes. I gave violin lessons to your child", "Ah, right, now I remember..." - Says the judge - "Twenty Years!"
Q: When can you say a viola is out of tune? A: When the bow is moving.
Q: Why the violists related jokes are so short? A: So that the violists understand.
Q: A violinist and a violist fall from a building, which of them gets faster to ground? A: the violinist, because the violist stops, asking for directions.
Q: Which are the requisites for the 2nd eliminatory for an International Viola Competition? A: Holding the Viola at first sight.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog? A: The difference is that the dog knows when to stop.
Q: How many violists are needed to fill a kitchen wall? A: Just one, but he must be sliced very thane.
Q: Why does the violists don't have problems with the 7/8 measure? A: They don't have problems, because they count: one, two, three, four, five, six, se-ven, one, two, three. . .
Q: What does violists and Mike Tyson have in common? A: Booth are bad in ears.
Q: What's similar between a violist and a prostitute? A: Both are paid to make fake climax.
Q: You are in a car, there is a violist and a conductor in the middle of the road, which of them do you kill first? A: The conductor: first Business, then pleasure....
Q: What's similar between a trumpet player and a flightier? A: When you say them: "You are too low!!!", than means that they will crash for sure.
The little John said to his mother: - "Mother, I've learn the alphabet today! the rest of the class were lost by the "F", but I gone till the end." - says the mother: - "Very well, Johnny. All this because you play the viola". On the next day, the little John arrives home and said: - "Mummy, Mummy, Today I've counted till 100! The others stopped on 60, but I reached 100!"- and the mother said -"Excellent, Johnny. All this because you play the viola." - On the next day when Johnny arrived home, says: - "Mummy, the teacher measured everyone on the room, and I was the tallest. All this because I play the viola?" - The mother asked slowly her head and said: - "No, darling, that's because you are 26 years old..."
Q: Why a viola solo is like an anticipated ejaculation? A: Because you know it's coming, but you can not make nothing to avoid it.
Q: What's the viola high? A: It depends, how strong was the kick on it.
Cluster - More than one violist playing on the C string.
A Bass player comes late to the rehearsal, and the conductor asked him: - "Do you need some time to tune?" - says the contrabassist: - "No thanks. All strings have the same tension, there's no need to tune." - that's when the 1st violist rise and said to this Idiot: - "You Asshole, the strings doesn't have to be in the same tension to be in tune . . .that's the pegs...the pegs must be in the same level and the same direction!!!"
Q: How can you make a cello player to be in tune? A: You just have to tell him there's 8 sharps on the clef key.
Definition of String Quartet: A nice violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist and someone that hates violinists, together to complain about the composers.
An Harpist, takes half of the time to tune his instrument, and another half playing out of tune.
Q: What's similar between harps and closely parents? A: Booth are unforgettable and hard to take out the car.
Three guitar players elaborated a scales book. Each of them contributed with the scale he knew.
Q: Why does guitar players are Bad in Bed? A: Because there, they don't have amplificator.
Q: What's worse than a Viola? A: Violas.
Q: What do you call to someone that is always boring the musicians? A: A Percussionist.
Q: What do you call to a percussionist that ended with this girlfriend? A: A homeless.
Q: What's similar to the sound of a harpsichord? A: Two skeletons making sex over a zinc plate.
Tells a violist to another: - "Is better to be sharp, than out of tune..."
There was a violinist than said he could play sixteens. To prove-it to the rest of the orchestra, he played one.
On Bass player went to a concert were they played "Carmen" from Bizet. After the concert someone asked him his opinion. He said: - "It was fantastic! The music was almost like this: "VUOM!, vuom!, vuom!, vuom! . . .", but I don't know why...there were a strange guy, singing an horrible melody about a toreador.
Q: How can you say, there's a French Horn player at your door? A: When the door bell rings.
Q: How can you say, there's a Soprano at your door? A: You can say what you want, but she wont know when to come in.
Q: What's the difference between a Soprano and a Porsche? A: The difference is that, most of the musicians was never as on a Porsche.
Q: What do you see, if you look to a Soprano's skirt? A: A tenor.
Q: What does it mean when violists have droll on both corners of their mouth? A: That means the stage is level.
Q: What's the ideal high for a conductor? A: 2 x 0,70 m, including the urn.
Speaking about conductors...Is hard to believe in someone, who's instrument, changes it's shape, during the concert.
Q: Why does the trumpet is a divine instrument? A: Because the man blows on it, but only God knows what will came next...
Q: Which is the better recording their is for the Walter's Viola Concert? A: "Music Minus One"
Says one pianist to another: - "My teacher is very religious!", "Why?" - says the other. She says: - "Always then I play, he close his eyes and says: Oh, my God!!!"
Q: Which are the dynamics for bass trombone? A: On and Off.
Q: What does it means "pp subito"? A: An opportunity to a violist begin his solo career.
Q: What does it mean "senza sordino"? A: Is a score mark, to remember those who forgot to put their mute, some bars after...
Q: What do you call 10,000 violas under the sea? A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: The difference is that usually you take off your shoes before you jump over the trampoline.
Q: What's the most common ask to a viola player? A: I want a Big Mac Menu.
Q: Why is not possible to listen the violas sound in a modern digital recording? A: Today's technology reached so high develop levels that with the 24-bit, recordings is possible to eliminate every undesired noises once for all.
A violist and a harpist were in a cruiser*and the harpist fall into the sea. "Help, I can't swim!"- screams the harpist. Says the violist: - "Neither do I...Fake it!"
Q: Why are there so many violinists on an orchestra? A: Is that, with quantity, there are more possibilities to, at least one, play the right notes.
Q: Why viola parts are written on the C clef? A: Being written on the C clef, is more difficult to prove, printing errors.
Q: Why playing a viola solo, is like wetting you pansA: Both give you a nice and warm feeling...
Q: Why, usually, violists, put something between the chin and the viola? A: To absorb the droll.
Q: What's the difference between basstrombone and tuba? A: Tuba can hold more beer.
Q: When can you say that a violist died? A: He let fall his bow, but don't catch it.
Q: What's the sound of a viola group under the water? A: (Good Idea!)
Q: What's the difference between a chimp and a conductor? A: It's scientifically proved that chimps can actually communicate with humans..
One day a violist arrives home and see the police, the firemen and his house on fire. Tell him, a fireman: - "Your house was burned, I'm sorry, but we couldn't stop it, your wife and one of your children, and the other stills in coma. One of your neighbors tells he saw the conductor there, it could be . . ." - interrupts the violist with a big smile: - "Are you joking? The conductor was really on my house?"
Q: Two violists jumped from an hotel. One was very fat and the other very thin. Which of them gets faster on the ground? A: Doesn't matter, because both jumped.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet and a very old car? A: The painting.
A violist found a genie, that offered him 3 wishes. As first asked him to be in a better orchestra, and goes straight to the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra. As 2nd e asks for a better position, so e goes to the first place, of the same orchestra.
The genie* advised him to choose wimen an money for his last wish...
He said, he loved his instrument and would like to be in a better position. From this time he was collected on the last 3rd violin place.
One day the conductor said to his orchestra: "All is wrong, violins are wrong, percussion is wrong, 1st Horn is wrong". - say the 2nd Horn player: "But he didn't arrived yet..."- interrupts the conductor - "When he arrive, tell it!".
A fairy tale? Two French Horn players don't talk during an entire orchestral rehearsal.
Q: What's the difference between the 1st and the last viola? A: half ton.
Q: Does anyone know, why there are so many transpositions on Wagnerian Operas Horns parts? A: A French Horn Player was a lover from Wagner's wife.
Who can't play violin, plays viola, ho either can't play viola conducts who can't conduct either composes. Who can' be a composer can be a Dramaturg. Or a last chance...you can be always a Art Critic...
One day a Tuba player, wanted to torture a percussionist, so, he hide him, one of this drumsticks. After looking around, with fanatic eyes, the percussionist fall on knees, with raised arms and screams to the sky: "FINALLY! After all these years, the miracle....now I'm a conductor!"
Q: Why the tuba player didn't go to the Heaven? A: Because he waked up the Baby Jesus.
...from a percussionist's dictionary: Accelerando, n. drumfill; solo.
Q: what do you call a fagotist with half brain? A: Gifted!
Q: why do an orchestra needs the 2nd violins? A: To translate what do the first violins say.
Two trumpetists enter on a bar... and that's interesting, because the second saw the 1st come in...and wanted to came in to...
An old lady entered on a Brain store. where there 3 brains: Sigmund Froyd - 3000£; Adolf Hitler - 10000£; Famous trombonist - 90000£. Asks, confused, the old lady: Why the trombonist brain is so expensive? - Says the man: Because it never been used!
Q: How do you confuse a violist? A: Putting a printed score in front of it!
P: What does a Bass player uses as contraception? A: His personality!
A man goes for a trim on a tropical island, but when he arrived he noticed a strange drums noise. He asked the first man he saw: "What's all this noise?". The native said “Drum stop...Bad thing! "After a day...and the same drum noise, so he asked, the same, to another. This native says, with a frightened “Drum stop...Bad thing!” and started running . . . Some days were passed, and the man was mad, so he said furiously to another native “What happens when the drum stops!!!” the man said “Bass Solo!”
Q: How many French Horn Players do you need to change a lamp? A: At least 20! One to hold it and 19 to drink until the room starts to spin!
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a vacuum cleaner? A: You must put one inside the other, before he smells bad!
Q: If there were a 10 dollars note on the middle of a room with the Easter Bunny at one corner, The St. Clauss at another, an excellent violinist at another, and a vary bad violist on the last one, which of them would catch the note first? A: The very bad violist, because the others don't exist!
An old lady entered on a Brain's Shop and said " I want a musician brain! The man asked what kind? and the old lady asks for prices? "Well"- said the man- ". . . these are from Bass players 5£ per kilo, those are from conductors 10£ per kilo an those are from cello players 20£ per kilo… And those there... how much do they cost? – asked the lady. - "Those...are from violist 100£ per kilo"- "Damms!!!! Why are they so expensive? – asks the lady. Says the man: "Do you know, how much violist are needed to make a kilo?"
Q: What happens when you mix a Gorilla with a percussionist? A: A very stupid gorilla!: (“ba-dum-bum ”)
Q: Hum!!! The rehearsal began late! What's the late? A: Half beat after the percussionist!
Q: What's the difference between a metronome and a percussionist? A: Is that a metronome can actually the maintain tempo, and it doesn't sleep with your girlfriend!
Q: Why do the percussionists have 1 more neuron than horses? A: Because they can avoid the pieces of S... on the road!
Q: Why the orchestral rehearsals are limited to 20 minutes? A: If they were longer, you would have to rehearsal the trumpets again!
Q: How do you slowdown a percussionist? A: You just put a printed score in front of him!
Q: And How do you make him stop? A: You just have to write notes on it…
(Last Update: 19/08/2007)
